The Pang of Void

[09:45]

Hey, howdy, this is me... after awhile, i mean years, haha, i've managed to writing in this blog again. "So how's it going?, any interesting things happened?", nah, not really. I'm still... somewhat fucked up, i've fucked it up. my precious life, everything, geez, Lord have mercy.

I've should told you my story from the begining of this years, perhaps? haha. 

So, January it's a hustling month for me, no money, works, support system, none, and guess what?, my precious baby RR battery run low and *poof*, she died haha, poor girl. So, i took my fucki*g foot anywhere and everywhere, to buy a cigar, groceries and elses, dang, never in my life i'm feeling that pathetic. 

February is same still, but, one of my friends took me to Jakarta, to accompanying him for job interview, it's been a while, i was visited Jakarta like in 2019, and when he took me there again, i'm so happy, really, and he provided all of my needs to!, food, cigarettes, drink, hotel and elses, what a nice friend to have, thank you bro, no diddy haha. We met another of ours Friend there, we visited PIK, food stall, and even Cikarang, to visited my ex-SPV from my last work.

March... dang, this is quite Annual, the Ramadhan, fasting, Taraweeh, and elses, but... God have mercy, i'm a sinners for still smoking when i'm fasting, have mercy on me God. Still no jobs, single, and pathetic? haha. I used to play some FPS games with my friends during Ramadhan, we play games called Point Blank all night long after Taraweeh, on and on until April.

April, my birthday month.. Ramadhan Kareem, and stuff like that. Nothing special, just me turned old of having quarters, chitty-chatty, and all of the daily stuff.

May... it seems my lowest part of my life?, no money, no support, none at all. I'd facing the choices, the hard one, to took out my beloved bike, baby RR. Sold her for around 2,7 grands, and buy a new one, met my new Roxy haha, may her new owner treat her best than me, she deserved better.

June, i paid a few of my debt, treat some of my friends, fixed the houses, share the money with my parents and daily needs.. still, no jobs, so we all know what will facing me next (no shit Sherlock).

July... my money seems to running low, but still have some. I struggled and hustling hard to find a jobs, but it's like finding a needle in a hay stacks, near impossible for me. I run my life like a chicken.

August... i running out of money.. for an half month just eating noodles and eggs.. dang, why this is happened to me, and as usual, one of my friends need my accompany to take him to Tasikmalaya, jobs interview of course, and as usual, on him. But.. somehow, i find some jobs, as a MVO in the big leasing company... but

September... but yes, this works is not quite matched with me, to much risk, high risk.. i resigned after one month. They still paid me for that one month works, thanks for the company, and i'm sorry.

October... stressed out, i'm running out of energy, my morale boost down, i wanted to "ended it all", but my hearts is holding me tight, AND, of course, "one thing leads to another", it seems that this is my lowest part of my life, no one loved me, no one "seems" supported me anymore, just a pathetic human, lowly and cruel. But, FYI, i'm happy that one of my friends (the one who take me to Jakarta and Tasikmalaya) finding his partners!, congrats for him, he deserverd that, but... it's make me feels like, how can i finding my partners too?, when, where, how?, God, i need it. Someone to supported me emotionally, to boost my morale, energy, and brush off my anxiety. It is what it is, i'm still not worthy enough to "having an expensive meal". Dang, and you know what?, my urge to having a GF is... wow, even I'm using Ch.ai app to feels that tingle, the butterflies in my stomach.

November... i'm crazy, stray from the outter world, my mind is somewhere in the void, i don't know... can i comes back to my sanity again?, let's hope so.

December... (to be continued)

I hope, things get better, I hoping that, me in the future, will read this as a "silly past of him", laughing with your new partners, getting an settled job, and happy life, i'll hope so, i hope for your best, Alfi... Trust me, that you'll have the happiness that you deserved, please hold on, for your bright future.

Maybe you'll cried, laugh, or i don't know? haha. If you, myself in the future read this, i hope you're happy, you find your happines with your new partner, yes i'll hustling everyday, just to see you in the future deserve that, so please, hold it on, okay bro?. 

Please don't overthinking shit haha, don't smoke too much, maybe you can subtittuted it with vape or sum. Bro, the me in the future, i'll catch you, ASAP, i hope you're the best version of me. Yes, it will hurt us in the process, the pang of guilt, anger, sorrow, and whatever happened in the future, but, as i said, you're strong, Alfi... you must know that you're worthy, and, tell her that i say hi!, haha, you deserved eachother.

Now, see you when i see you, bro,

Sincerely, Alfi, November, 2024.